When my 4 year old, Finlay, was a baby, she would only sleep in our bed. I was so tired that I was willing to do anything, so, though I am not philosophically against co-sleeping, I brought her in the bed against my better judgment. I knew it would be the start of a hard-to-break habit. At around 9 months, we crib trained her. It was a difficult time. Parents, you know what I'm talking about. But we did it. When Fin had just turned 3, right before her sister was born, we transferred her to a big girl bed. It went surprisingly well. And then her sister was born and turned everything on its head.
Evangeline was born about 18 months ago, one month and 5 days after her big sister's third birthday. She was a pill from the get-go.
This baby WOULD NOT SLEEP. I didn't think it was possible for a baby to be awake all the time, but Evvie proved me wrong. I loved her, but she was hard to like during those first few months. There were quite a few moments when I wondered what the straw would be that would cause my mental or physical breakdown. She also cried all the time, so I wasn't sleeping and was constantly trying to soothe a crying baby. Mike couldn't take time off from work. We also had to be good parents to Fin. It was really, really a rough time.
We tried a lot of different approaches to getting Ev to sleep. The crib. Forget it. Co-sleeping. She hated it. The play yard. Nope. The swing, the bouncy seat, vibration, music, womb sounds, carrying her, singing to her, swaddling, sleep sacks... nothing worked. Finally we discovered that keeping her in the car seat worked a little bit. For six months I didn't sleep in my own bed. I slept on the couch (when I was able to sleep) and waited for the howling to start. Words cannot describe the Tired.
At the time, Evvie's crib was in the same room as Fin's big girl bed. But because Evvie wouldn't sleep and cried so much, we moved the crib into our room so Fin wouldn't be disturbed. It's still in our room, 18 months later.
During this time, two major things happened with Finlay. 1. She developed a need for someone to be in her bed with her in order to fall asleep. 2. She started stuttering.
Mike would put Fin to bed every night, since I had my hands full of Ev, and read her a story, all cozy with her in the twin bed. And then he would fall asleep with her. He was exhausted too. It's hard to be in a bed and not fall asleep when you are dead on your feet. Fin got used to that routine.
The stuttering started out with speech disfluencies here and there and evolved over four months or so into a dramatic inability for Fin to speak. She was sticking her hands in her mouth as if to pull the words out. She was straining her face. She was choosing not to speak. It was utterly heartbreaking and frightening. She had been a precocious speaker who had mastered complex sentences before she was 2. This change knocked the wind out of everyone. We sought help and took her to a speech therapist regularly (Mynde Siperstein at ChatterMatters -- fantastic). Now at 4 1/2, she has quite fluent speech with occasional "bumpies." She never chooses not to speak. She talks a blue streak! It's wonderful. We believe, based on research and expert opinion, that since she hasn't fully grown out of the stuttering she will always have to deal with it. But, it is not nearly as profound as it was and we have the tools to manage it. More on stuttering in future posts. Early intervention is key!
I returned to work full time after a 13 week maternity leave. Evvie was still not sleeping well and was a very cranky, demanding baby. Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived. It's a blur. There needs to be more resources for new mothers. The only positive is that recalling those first few months has made it easier to accept our decision to stop at two kids! I can't imagine going through that exhaustion again.
Soon after going back to work, I had a desperate conversation with Evvie's doctor about how I knew something was wrong with her. I had been saying that for months and was told she was just colicky. She had a different personality than Fin. But I persisted. I knew this was not normal behavior for a baby. And I wasn't sure how much longer I could go on without sleep. Evvie was diagnosed, rightly, with acid reflux. She was put on ranitidine. Within a week there was marked improvement. Oh, had I mentioned the spitting up??? Finally, she was sleeping more, eating more, and keeping it down. And she was crying less.
But she was still sleeping in her car seat. And Fin still needed to have someone in her bed to fall asleep.
Mike and I knew we needed help. So, we made an appointment with a sleep therapist: Dr. Jean Twomey. I'll elaborate on that experience in a future post, but as a result of our visits, Evvie now goes down by 8 p.m., sleeps in her crib, and sleeps through the night 90% of the time. We breathed a sigh of relief heard round the world.
Once Ev's sleep situation was sorted out, I went back to tucking Fin in bed at night. You see, Mike goes to bed around 7:30 at night so he can wake up by 4 a.m. Now he puts Evvie in the crib and then gets in bed himself. That leaves Fin and me to ourselves, which is great for bonding, but not so great for getting stuff done at night or having time to one's self. Despite the better sleep conditions, by the time I get in bed with Fin at night to read books, I'm dog tired. And she still needs me to lie down with her until she falls asleep. Sometimes it takes her a little while to fall asleep. But not me. I lie down in her bed next to her warm, cuddly little self and I am gone-zo. So now, I have been sleeping in Fin's bed unless she falls asleep quickly or I wake up in the middle of the night with enough oomph to crawl out and get in my own bed. It's a problem. There's another appointment with Dr. Twomey in our future. We're also hopeful that putting the girls back together in a bedroom will give Fin the company she needs to sleep on her own.
Last night, Fin asked if she could sleep in her "tent" downstairs in the living room. She had put our two Pottery Barn Kids Anywhere Chairs together with a blanket draped over the tops. I said yes for two reasons. I thought she would probably give up on it very quickly and just come upstairs for bed, but if she didn't, it might be a good way to break the pattern of needing to have someone in her bed. I got in my own big girl bed with my husband (OK, there is also a baby in the room, so it's not as exciting as it sounds) and waited to hear Fin cry or come upstairs. She had already cried before I went upstairs because she was afraid of the dark. Mind you, she is the one who turned the lights off.
I waited until 10:30, half asleep, then went downstairs to find her asleep under the blanket tent, sweating like crazy. I pulled the blanket down and went back upstairs. Two hours later, she was crying again and heading up the stairs. She got in her bed crying, asked me to stay with her, and then we slept for two hours until Evvie woke up crying at 2:30 a.m. She's been sick and not eating or drinking as much as usual, so I made her a bottle and gave it to her in the crib. (I know, I know. But she was hungry. What was a mommy to do?) She handed the bottle to me when she was done and I brushed her teeth. I did. I swear. Then I got back in MY bed. Blissful sleep until Evvie woke up at 6:45 in a total snit.
When she has a big fit, she thrashes her body and makes a sound like Donald Duck. It was full on Donald this morning. Our whole routine was completely derailed. So, after a night of in and out and up and down, I started the day with an angry baby uber-meltdown. I was late for work. Ironically, today was the first day in 4 days that she didn't have a fever. Maybe she was pissed about having been sick for 4 days. Who knows? She screamed, thrashed, and clung until her sister came downstairs.
Thankfully, they love each other, enjoy each other, play nice together most of the time, and just light up around each other. Their sisterhood fills me with pride, joy, and gratitude. And fortunately, coffee fills me with manufactured energy to face the workday.
At the end of the day, no matter what, looking at those two faces puts a smile on mine. :)